DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?
Knowing what we want, what we truly desire, is not always easy. We are filled with self-doubt from messages we get from society, our peers, and our families about what we should want, who we should be, and what success looks like. Rarely, are we encouraged or taught from a young age how to listen to our own intuition and follow what makes us feel alive, even if no one else sees any point in it. So we learn to view desires that don’t neatly fit into what a “successful life” looks like as merely silly fantasies that are only meant to live in our minds, or at best as a hobby. We march forward on societally accepted and well-worn paths that make us feel like we belong. They promise us a steady income, a title we can be proud of, and a position in society that’s respected. We are safe.
And then one day, life shakes us out of our trance. The pandemic is shaking all of us, but it doesn’t need to be a pandemic to feel like the rug is being pulled out from under us. It can be a sudden illness, death, divorce, job loss, move, retirement, or burnout. The proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back. Our brains are wired to create narratives and meaning and when faced with so much uncertainty and lack of control we begin scrambling for solid ground. We resist what is happening. Fear triggers our amygdalas (the old caveman part of our brains) into hyperdrive and we either fight, flight or freeze.
When this happens our nervous systems get hijacked. The cortisol begins flowing and we are on the alert for danger in order to survive. But it's not just a flood of cortisol and a hijacked nervous system that prevents us from really exploring the question of what we really want in life. Anytime we are faced with a perceived threat (eg. a bad work review, getting dumped, disappointing someone), we not only go into fight, flight or freeze, but a more sophisticated defense system rushes in to protect our sense of identity. These defense mechanisms are our “saboteurs” and they are intent on keeping our egos intact and safe at all costs. Saboteurs are the internalized version of every external message you received while growing up about how NOT to be in order to fit in and succeed. If you live a life designed solely by their over-protective, fear-based guidance, then you will never experience the fulfillment that happens when you listen to your intuition and challenge yourself to grow beyond your comfort zone. To ensure that your life is truly your own, you must start by learning how to notice when your saboteurs are running the show.
UNDERSTANDING AND NOTICING YOUR SABOTEURS
As children, we came up with survival strategies to protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable. These coping strategies are our “saboteurs,” or sometimes referred to as inner critics. We each have different flavors of saboteurs that help us protect ourselves. Some examples are: the Perfectionist who made you believe that if you were absolutely perfect you would be beyond reproach and therefore safe from criticism; the Victim who convinced you that as long as you believed your life was never in your control, you would never have to take responsibility and risk failing; the People-Pleaser who made you believe that as long as you made other people happy, you would be worthy and deserving of love; or the Hard-Worker who drives you to continually feel as though your worth is directly tied to how productive you are.
As you can see, so many layers of complexity are embedded underneath why we don’t really know what we want. Even when we do think we know what we want, we are flooded with anxiety and fear because deep down we believe that acting on such desires is unsafe and will destroy our carefully-crafted identity we have worked so hard to protect. To lose this sense of identity can feel like a sort of death, and as far as our egos are concerned there really isn’t a difference.
In order to commit to what we really want, we have to be willing to let go of the version of ourselves we have outgrown. How many times have we all found ourselves staying in jobs or relationships that were no longer fulfilling, because we would rather stay in what was familiar than take the leap into the unknown? It’s a scary place to know what we have outgrown but not yet know our next direction. This is the point of the journey where our saboteurs get really loud, their criticism of every one of our desires and interests becomes ruthless. Their vicious tirade saying things like, “Who do you think you are? You will never make money doing that. Nobody will be interested in you. You will get laughed at. You will fail and be outed as the loser you really are.” And so we avoid, we coast, we distract. We stay stuck.
WORKING WITH YOURSELF, NOT AGAINST YOURSELF
Finding the courage to consistently move towards what you really want despite these saboteurs wreaking havoc on your inner world does not happen by simply ignoring them, and forcing yourself into a positive mindset. That may seem to work temporarily but to really regain power you must befriend them. Afterall, they are not your enemy, they are only outdated and misguided strategies you learned early in life to keep you safe.
At the same time, working on strengthening your emotional resilience is key. I like to call this Emotional Interval Training, because when we are afraid of experiencing certain emotions and lack practice with them, it can be overwhelming and we shut down. Instead, it is better to practice staying in a difficult emotion a little bit at a time. Coaching or therapy is a great container for this since there is already a time limit on the session and the coach or therapist stands in as a temporary guide to help you build up the confidence and trust in yourself to eventually be able to handle it on your own.
WHAT YOU WANT MATTERS, BECAUSE YOU MATTER
You are allowed to put yourself first. When you don’t view your deepest wishes, basic needs or core values as a priority you are sending yourself the message that they don’t matter, and that essentially you don’t matter. Fulfillment happens when you are no longer afraid to make choices that align with your authentic wants, needs and values, no matter what other people may think. Coaching can help you build a strong foundation based on clear core values. And if you don’t know what you really want, need or value yet, that is ok, too! We are all conditioned by what society has told us is acceptable, respectable and praise-worthy. It's tempting to want to design a life based solely on what you have been told to want, and your connection with your intuition might understandably be a little weak. But eventually life hands you the bill, and if those ideals don’t align with what you truly, deeply want - ask yourself, is the cost of your personal fulfillment really worth it?