GOOD GRIEF
“GRIEF IS JUST LOVE WITH NO PLACE TO GO.” - JAMIE ANDERSON
A lot has been lost. Grief has been a prominent theme lately. My close friends have lost family members, the daily news reports showcase the pain and rage of grief in our country, jobs that once offered purpose and a sense of security have been lost, and so many of us have had to move away from homes and lifestyles that used to bring connection and meaning.
Thinking about these losses has made me realize how we are in some ways always grieving someone or something. If you are attached to something or love someone, then there will always be grief on the other side of that. One day that person, or way of living, or a part of your own identity will eventually leave, change or shift in some way.
Recently, I was watching the show Afterlife on Netflix, and it struck me how honest Ricky Gervais’ portrayal of grief is. After the death of his wife, his character, Tony, is angry, self-destructive, depressed, and suicidal - essentially the embodiment of pain. We journey with him through the messy and uncontrollable process of grieving. He is hurting and he lashes out. But somehow, through the pure grace of the other people in his life that love and care about him, and the part of him that cares more about his dog not starving, he is able to muddle his way through. His vulnerability and despair over the loss of his wife is palpable. And if you haven’t watched it yet - spoiler alert - you will certainly cry. (And also laugh, because it’s Ricky Gervais).
His portrayal of a man who is going through unimaginable pain is refreshing and so deeply normalizing in this current climate when many of us just struggle to get through the day. I’ve also noticed that the term toxic positivity has been floating around social media lately to describe our culture’s overt preference for “good vibes only.” But what is toxic positivity? And what does it have to do with grief? Toxic positivity is rigidly forcing yourself to stay upbeat even in the midst of life circumstances that trigger fear, pain, sorrow, rage, or confusion. In contrast, healthy positivity is acknowledging that we are human and we are meant to feel all of our emotions. Healthy positivity allows room to sit with challenging emotions like grief, because we know they are part of life and we trust our inner resilience.
Sitting with messy, uncomfortable emotions isn’t something American culture values however. Author Meghan O’Rourke is intimately acquainted with the isolation that accompanies grief after losing her mother. In an interview she explains, “in America...suffering places a burden on the rest of us. It’s the burden of care, which we do not value.” (The Exchange: Why Americans Can’t Cope with Trauma, 2017).
There is still very little patience with and understanding of grief in our culture, so I thought I might share some truths about grief that may come as a surprise.
SOME TRUTHS ABOUT GRIEF:
There are many types of grief.
New loss will often trigger grief over previous losses.
Not all losses are viewed equally.
Disenfranchised Grief is what occurs when someone’s loss is not validated or viewed as significant by society, such as losses from HIV/AIDS, substance abuse or addiction.
Ambiguous Loss is when others question whether a loss is valid and can lead to differing opinions about who or what has been lost. Many people may be feeling grief over aspects of their lives that have changed due to Covid, but that are not widely accepted as legitimate losses to be mourned.
Loss of identity is one of the biggest and most painful secondary losses after the primary loss of a person, job, relationship, business, or health.
There is no such thing as closure in grief. You will always hold the love for what was once a significant part of your life. It forever alters you and your life story.
The biggest misconceptions about the stages of grief, first introduced by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969, are that they are meant to be experienced chronologically, and that all stages will be experienced.
Many people believe grieving means feeling constant misery and pain, but within grief there are also moments of laughter, joy and appreciation.
There are no easy answers, especially since each instance of grief is entirely unique. What I can offer you is what research and my own experience has proven to be helpful in moving through it.
Journal. Expressing your honest thoughts and emotions through writing is incredibly good for your health and well-being. It reduces stress, improves immune function, regulates mood, and increases memory.
Treat yourself as if you were physically ill. If you were sick you would probably allow yourself to rest and recover. Grief can also be treated as such. Your mental and emotional wellness depends upon you allowing yourself plenty of space to heal, to feel, and to be as gentle as possible with yourself. Some days your biggest accomplishment will be taking a shower, and that is ok.
Share your story, and allow people to witness your grief. Joining a grief support group or finding a compassionate coach or therapist is key in healing the emotional pain and trauma after a loss. Friends and family who are skilled at empathetic listening can also be instrumental in creating healing connections. (Please note, many people mean well, but may not have the skills to hold space for another person’s grief and suffering, so allow room to keep looking for people who are skilled in this area if at first you don’t find what you need).
It takes courage to love fully and grieve openly. Grieving is not a sign of weakness, and well-being is not about always feeling positive and happy. Well-being is about your capacity to accept and be present with all of your emotions in response to life’s inevitable struggles, devastations and set-backs. It is courageous to open your heart to love when you know that this also means one day surrendering to grief. And this is what being alive is all about.
If you or someone you know is grieving and looking for support, I offer coaching to help you move through your emotions, and would love to chat.
Additional support, education, resources and online groups can be found at: