WHAT IS SELF-TRUST?

It's easy to overlook something as seemingly simple as self-trust, especially when we are focused on achieving our big, shiny future goals. Spending so much of our time thinking about external things, people or goals leaves very little time to become aware of ourselves. 

When asked if you love yourself, you would likely answer “yes.” We have all heard about the importance of self-love, but what most of us don’t realize is that in order to really love ourselves, we first need to develop our self-trust.

What is self-trust? Self-trust is the inner conviction that you are enough, your voice matters, your instincts are wise, and you are always worthy and deserving of self-love. 

Emotional safety and security are requirements for healthy love. Sadly, we are taught from a young age to distrust our emotions and intuition, to adopt negative and limiting beliefs, and to abide by the all-too-critical inner voices of our Saboteurs. All of which leads to a lack of emotional safety and security with ourselves. 

You may not even realize that you are damaging your relationship with yourself, because you were never shown any other way. After all, your saboteur is merely the misguided and overprotective part of you that is trying to keep you safe.

Ironic right? The one thing that your saboteur is trying to achieve - safety - is precisely what it is stopping you from feeling. When your inner voice is always criticizing you, how can you have a trusting relationship with yourself?

Your saboteurs, as well as your negative or limiting beliefs, were conditioned in you when you were young. Perhaps you had parents who you felt smothered by, never letting you try things on your own, so you didn’t learn to trust you were capable of independently achieving your own goals. Or maybe it was the opposite, and you had to grow up quickly without much help, thus learning that the world was not supportive and that it was best to keep your expectations low. You might have had parents who never celebrated your successes, so you got the message you weren’t worthy of being celebrated. Or, you might have grown up in a home where emotions were not accepted, supported or discussed, so you learned to distrust your emotions, reaching for any distraction available in order to avoid an uncomfortable feeling.

The good news is all of this is 100% in your power to change. Anyone can learn to trust themselves with practice and with the support of a professional coach or therapist. Learning to trust your intuition and create firm boundaries that keep you safe is a large part of coaching. With a coach, you will not be advised or have someone else’s opinion make you even more confused, instead you will be asked powerful questions that will lead you to your own truth. You will have someone who believes in you so much that you cannot help but to believe in you, too.

If you find you treat yourself with less compassion and kindness than you would a friend or a partner, then chances are you need to work on self-trust.

Here are some suggestions you can try to help you develop self-trust:

Allow yourself room to process difficult emotions

If you find yourself reaching for the remote or your phone to distract yourself from feeling something you don’t want to feel, take a moment to first acknowledge that is what is going on: you are using an old coping strategy for dealing with a difficult emotion. Put down whatever it is that keeps you distracted and treat yourself as you would a friend who was reaching out for help with a problem that needed talking through. Try writing down all of your thoughts as they swirl through your mind in a journal. This can help you literally get the emotions out of your head so you can see things more clearly. If writing isn’t your thing, try meditating. A walking meditation is great because it allows the emotions to process in the background of your mind as you focus on the sensation of walking. Or if you have a trusted friend, coach or therapist who is a great listener, talk through your feelings with them.

Reframe your relationship with your Saboteur, and reclaim your power

Your Saboteurs are not your enemy. They are only telling you nasty and critical things to try to scare you back into safety. Once you realize that their mission is to keep you “safe” at all costs (even your well-being), you can start to have some compassion for where they’re coming from - a place of fear and protection. Say thank you to them for keeping you safe all these years, and let them know that you are now in the driver’s seat and will take it from here. Tell them to take a vacation.

Choose your sources of advice and counsel wisely

So often when we are not trusting ourselves, we poll other people to help us make a big or difficult decision. Although It is normal to want to hear other perspectives, remember that you know in your gut which of your friends and colleagues will give you good advice that is aligned with YOUR real best interests. So, next time you want to talk things through, just choose wisely.

Notice what it feels like in your body when you act against your intuition

We have all had that gut feeling that something we are about to do is really wrong, and yet we do it anyway against our own instincts because other people tell us we should. What did that feel like in your body? Notice next time this happens. Did it feel like a tight squeeze in your stomach? Did your body temperature get hot, or did it get cold? Did your palms sweat? Your body is directly connected to your intuition and will alert you with its signals when something is off. Next time you have a tough decision to make, notice how your body reacts when you imagine each scenario, and go with the one that makes you feel relaxed and open.

Change or let go of things that aren’t supporting you

I know this is a lot easier said than done. And here is why: when one of your core values is belonging, you will inevitably face conflicts with your other core values. Core values such as freedom, self-expression, or following your heart, can all come into conflict with your relationships and sense of belonging, because at some point you will have to decide between what is best for you vs what other people think. Letting go of people pleasing, comparison, productivity as self-worth, doing what you’re “supposed to” do, and looking cool, offer you the joy of feeling confident, clear, creative and authentically you. Plus, the people in your life that really love you will support you no matter what. 

As you practice trusting yourself, your self-confidence will bloom and you will open up new doors of possibility. Cultivating self-trust is the foundational step towards creating a life that is truly aligned with who you are. How will you practice self-trust today?