2 GOOD BOOKS: AUGUST EDITION
This month’s reading choices are all about self-compassion. In my last post, I explain how I help people access their Inner Coach, so they can learn to rely on their own wisdom and guidance when they are experiencing fear, anxiety, overwhelm, or any number of negative emotions. You can only access your Inner Coach, however, if you are able to muster up some self-compassion first. The reason for this is that self-compassion is the antidote to your saboteurs’ constant criticism.
Without further ado, here are my 2 Good Books: Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, by Kristin Neff, and Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN, by Tara Brach. Both authors are embodiments of the divine feminine, modeling how practicing kindness for all parts of ourselves and our lives is the way to greater happiness.
SELF-COMPASSION: THE PROVEN POWER OF BEING KIND TO YOURSELF BY KRISTIN NEFF, PH.D.
Kristin Neff is one of the world’s leading experts on self-compassion. In her seminal book, Neff really dives into the research behind how self-compassion is the best proven method to combat inner critics and live a happier life.
One of her main points, backed by extensive research, is that self-compassion has just as many benefits as self-esteem, but none of the drawbacks. “According to the science, self-compassion appears to offer the same advantages as high self-esteem, with no discernible downsides. The first thing to know is that self-compassion and self-esteem do tend to go together. If you’re self-compassionate, you’ll tend to have higher self-esteem than if you’re endlessly self-critical. And like self-esteem - self-compassion is associated with significantly less anxiety and depression, as well as more happiness, optimism, and positive emotions. However, self-compassion offers clear advantages over self-esteem when things go wrong, or when our egos are threatened.”
She outlines the three core components that make up self-compassion as: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. From the outset, she addresses how many people see self-compassion as a form of self-pity or self-indulgence. “As you’ll come to see, self-compassion involves wanting health and well-being for oneself and leads to proactive behavior to better one’s situation, rather than passivity. And self-compassion doesn’t mean that I think my problems are more important than yours, it just means I think my problems are also important and worthy of being attended to.”
Self-kindness is a core component, because it is impossible to relate to ourselves with compassion if we are being critical or judgmental of ourselves. “Self-kindness allows us to feel safe as we respond to painful experiences, so that we are no longer operating from a place of fear - and once we let go of insecurity we can pursue our dreams with the confidence needed to actually achieve them.”
Our egos have tunnel-vision, getting laser-focused on our perceived short-comings, so the second core component, common humanity, allows us to widen our lens so that we can see the bigger picture of our lives with greater clarity. “This is why the recognition of common humanity embedded in self-compassion is such a powerful healing force. When our sense of self-worth and belonging is grounded in simply being human, we can’t be rejected or cast out by others. Our humanity can never be taken away from us, no matter how far we fall. The very fact that we are imperfect affirms we are card-carrying members of the human race and are therefore always, automatically, connected to the whole.”
Mindfulness is the third core component, helping us respond to pain rather than react. “By mindfully relating to our difficult emotions, they have the chance to take their natural course, arising and eventually passing away. If we can wait out the storm with relative equanimity, we won’t make things any worse than they already are. Pain is unavoidable; suffering is optional.”
It may feel counterintuitive to stay with and allow pain as it arises, but research consistently shows that people who are more self-compassionate tend to be less anxious and depressed.
As I have explained before, your saboteurs are simply misguided survival mechanisms that at one time in your life served to keep you safe, so it is crucial to not judge yourself for having these self-sabotaging thoughts or behaviors. As Neff explains, “If you are someone who tends to ruminate, or who suffers from anxiety or depression, it’s important that you don’t judge yourself for this way of being. Remember that rumination on negative thoughts and emotions stems from the underlying desire to be safe. Even though these brain patterns may be counterproductive, we can still honor them for trying so diligently to keep us out of the jaws of that crocodile.”
So, if you want to dramatically transform your life once and for all, check out this amazing book. Because as Neff so eloquently says, “When you apply the soothing balm of self-compassion to your broken bits - your failures and disappointments - you can integrate your sorrow into a deep, rich, and satisfying acceptance of what it means to live a human life.”
RADICAL COMPASSION: LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF AND YOUR WORLD WITH THE PRACTICE OF RAIN BY TARA BRACH
Tara Brach is a clinical psychologist, author and internationally known meditation teacher. Her writing and teaching is grounded in both modern brain science and ancient Buddhist wisdom.
“‘Radical compassion’ means including the vulnerability of this life - all life - in our heart. It means having the courage to love ourselves, each other, and our world. Radical compassion is rooted in mindful, embodied presence, and it is expressed actively through caring that includes all beings.”
The perfect companion book to Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion, Brach’s practical meditation guide leads us through her simple 4-step practice of RAIN, so that we can loosen the grip of limiting beliefs and difficult emotions.
RAIN is an acronym that stands for:
Recognize. - What is happening inside of me?
Allow. - Can I be with this? Can I let this be?
Investigate. - Bring an interested and kind attention to anything you are experiencing in your body. What most needs healing right now?
Nurture. - After sensing what is most needed, offer care inwardly and let it be received.
Her practice offers an effective, easy-to-remember framework so that during times of high emotional distress, it is still very accessible. Training ourselves to pause before and develop a healthy coping mechanism is the key. “The deepest transformations in our lives come down to something very simple: We learn to respond, not react, to what is going on inside us.”
Brach illustrates how we add unnecessary suffering to the inevitable painful moments of life, by judging our difficult emotions that we can’t control. “When anxiety arises, we are conditioned to assume that something is wrong and that we need to act to protect ourselves. ...With practice, we catch on to this habit of anticipating trouble, of looking for something to worry about. Then we can say to ourselves, ‘It’s just anxiety, it’s okay...this belongs,’ and begin to unhook from a lifetime pattern of reactivity.”
I love how her book is filled with meditations and exercises, as well as addressing what to do when RAIN doesn’t work. Her extensive experience as a clinical psychologist allows her to offer examples and strategies to better understand how our brains interpret danger, trauma, and fear, and how this can make it difficult to rewire our old negative beliefs.
“The old skin that is most difficult to shed is our core belief that something is wrong with us - that we are deficient or flawed.” She expands on this, saying that it can feel dangerous to shed the protective skin of old beliefs. “Our negative self-beliefs, even when deeply painful, often give us a sense of certainty, orientation, and control. ...It is only when we directly open ourselves to the suffering of this trance - how it cuts us off from others and from our own heart and spirit, how we don’t have to believe we’re flawed - that we begin to intuit the freedom possible in shedding old skin.”
Not to mention that our negativity bias makes it very natural for us to focus on what is wrong, rather than what is right in our lives. Yet, through her relatable client stories, meditations and exercises, we begin to sense that change is possible.
As you now see, your Inner Coach is accessible to you if you stop resisting what you can’t control, and begin to accept yourself and life on life’s terms. I will leave you with this final quote from Tara Brach, “It takes courage to open ourselves to emotional reality, to accept our hurt, fear, and loss. ...We are taking the exquisite risk, shedding the protection we’ve held so tightly, and saying - gently and tenderly - YES to what is.”