2 GOOD BOOKS: JULY EDITION

This month’s book selections are all about the delicate, yet crucial, art of learning to work with yourself instead of against yourself. 

Sounds obvious, because who would consciously want to work against themselves? The answer is none of us, but the truth is that most of us do most of the time. And we don’t even notice.

So, what does working with yourself even mean?

It means learning how to recognize your own natural rhythms and energy levels. How to notice when you need time to retreat, take care of your own needs, and unapologetically set boundaries. It means radical acceptance of your shifting moods, your body’s limits, and your emotional responses to what life hands you.

Our 2 Good Books this month champion our human right to replenish ourselves when we feel exhausted, or overwhelmed. They boldly proclaim our essential need for rest, and celebrate our human sensitivities by encouraging us to tend to our own needs. 

Our first Good Book for this July is aptly titled, Wintering; The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times, by Katherine May. And the second Good Book is The Highly Sensitive Person; How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.

Wintering; The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times, by Katherine May

Wintering is a metaphor for any period in your life that requires you to temporarily withdraw from the busyness of life. These temporary periods can be brought on by any number of things, such as illness, injury, grief, depression, or a transition where you feel lost. As May says,“However it arrives, wintering is usually involuntary, lonely, and deeply painful.” 

Her inspiration to write this book comes from her personal Winters where she learned important lessons; times when she had to navigate depression, breakdowns, illness or tragedy. “I felt with great certainty that we should talk about these things and that I, having learned some strategies, should share them.”

I love her conviction that our difficult phases throughout life should be shared openly, without judgment. She notes that “We’re not raised to recognize wintering or acknowledge its inevitability. Instead, we tend to see it as a humiliation, something that should be hidden from view lest we shock the world too greatly….. Yet we do this at great cost. Wintering brings about some of the most profound and insightful moments of our human experience, and wisdom resides in those who have wintered.”

After this past year and a half, I don’t think any of us can say we don’t understand the concept of wintering. If you are looking for a great read that will affirm your experiences and show you ways to find acceptance, healing and self-compassion, I highly recommend this book. 

I will leave you with one last passage:

“Doing those deeply unfashionable things - slowing down, letting your spare time expand, getting enough sleep, resting - is a radical act now, but it is essential. This is a crossroads we all know, a moment when you need to shed a skin. If you do, you’ll expose all those painful nerve endings and feel so raw that you’ll need to take care of yourself for a while. If you don’t, then that skin will harden around you. It’s one of the most important choices you’ll ever make.”

The Highly Sensitive Person; How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D

Have you ever been called “too sensitive?” If so,  you might be a Highly Sensitive Person or HSP. According to Dr. Aron, HSP’s have a sensitive nervous system, are more aware of subtleties in their surroundings, and are more easily overwhelmed when in a highly stimulating environment.

You can take a self-assessment test to find out if you are an HSP. I took it and scored within the range for being highly sensitive, which doesn’t surprise me since I have a hard time watching the news or extremely violent tv or movies, and have always been very empathic. 

Dr. Aron became interested in the topic of high sensitivity when she was told she was highly sensitive by her therapist. After this she spent years researching and studying others with this distinct personality trait. She originally published this book in 1996, and was the first to coin the term Highly Sensitive Person. Her research shows that in every species there is about 15-20% of the population that shares this trait. Although in the past HSP’s have commonly been assumed to be introverts, a surprising 30% are actually extroverts. 

She celebrates the HSP trait and reframes some of the commonly held negative beliefs, such as the misconception that HSP’s are less happy because they think so much about the past and future. “Sometimes people with our trait are said to be less happy or less capable of happiness. Of course, we can seem unhappy and moody, at least to non-HSPs, because we spend so much time thinking about things like the meaning of life and death and how complicated everything is—not black-and-white thoughts at all.” Being deeply reflective may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but for us HSP’s this is what we know and what we love.

The great part of her book is that she not only teaches you about being an HSP and practical ways to handle overstimulation, she also walks you through how this trait presents in your personal history, career, relationships and inner life, and what to do in various situations that may arise. 

For example, as a career coach, I love how she says, “you do not have to take the job that will create excessive stress and overarousal. Someone else will take it and flourish in it. You do not have to work long hours. Indeed, it may be your duty to work shorter ones. It may not be best to advertise it, but keeping yourself healthy and in your right range of arousal is the first condition for helping others.” This quote is exactly what I mean by working with yourself, not against yourself. 

If you are the type of person who enjoys research-based ways of understanding yourself better, and you suspect you or someone you love is an HSP, I highly recommend this book. 

My final thoughts on this month’s books are that you can make your life so much easier if you let go of the myth that you or your life should match mainstream extroverted productivity standards, and that regardless of whether you are an HSP or not, you deserve rest. Period.

Take care of you.