2 GOOD BOOKS: MARCH EDITION
Two of the biggest thieves of joy and happiness are burnout and apathy. These two are like cousins, one often begets the other. In my last post I talk about real self-love, and how a big part of that work begins with recognizing our own negative thoughts. In order to do this, however, you must become aware of two things: your body’s response cycles and where these thoughts originate in the first place.
This month is Women’s History Month, and also the anniversary of the beginning of the pandemic, so I chose a couple of books by strong, smart, courageous women who not only address burnout and apathy but teach you how to move past it.
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia Nagoski
Twins, Emily and Amelia, wrote a book that addresses the mammoth topic of burnout. Emily is an expert in women’s sexual well-being, and Amelia is a choral conductor, and both sisters agree that they got graduate degrees in how to listen to and feel feelings. They wrote this book for anyone who has ever felt exhausted and yet still feels like they aren’t doing “enough.”
One of the biggest learnings from this book for me is that, “Emotions are tunnels. If you go all the way through them, you get to the light at the end. Exhaustion happens when we get stuck in an emotion.” They also explain that incomplete stress cycles create burnout. This means that each time we are under stress and the natural fight or flight response happens, our bodies need to complete the stress cycle in order to avoid being stuck in the emotion. Completing the stress cycle is most efficiently accomplished with doing something physical - even if it is just jumping up and down or crying.
Additionally, one of the biggest causes of burnout is attributed to what they call “Human Giver Syndrome,” which is similar to the familiar saboteur I discussed in my last post, the People Pleaser. The Human Giver can only show certain accepted “nice” emotions, so any other messy emotions become stuck within them. This in turn causes burnout because, “Emotional exhaustion happens when we get stuck in an emotion and can’t move through the tunnel. In Human Giver Syndrome, the giver isn’t allowed to inconvenience anyone with anything so messy as emotions, so givers are trapped in a situation where they are not free to move through the tunnel.”
The sisters break down the complexities of burnout in three parts, and they even include summaries at the end of each chapter called “tl;dr” (too long; didn’t read) that demonstrate just how much thought they have put into this book for the reader who is likely too burned out to read it. Each section is filled with relatable case stories to illustrate their research. The last part of the book offers concrete things to do each day to increase your resilience to burnout through connection, rest and self-compassion. One of their tips that I love is to “Befriend your Madwoman,” which I will let you read yourself, but essentially your Madwoman is a lot like your saboteurs that I encourage you to befriend!
There is so much valuable and interesting information in this book, I cannot even begin to do it justice here, but as we continue learning how to cope with the new normal, I strongly encourage you to read this manual for how to get your power and energy back into your life.
Why Bother?: Discover the Desire for What’s Next by Jennifer Louden
Author Jennifer Louden’s book is about how to move through apathy and stuckness, which especially resonates as we enter into year two of the pandemic. Similar to how the Nagoski sisters show us that the prescription to burnout lies in our willingness to move through an emotion rather than stifle it or resist it, author Jennifer Louden teaches us that the way we move out of apathy, or as she calls it, “why bother,” is to first accept that we will always have to begin again, and second, that we always have to be willing to write a new story for ourselves and our lives.
Her book focuses on the question we all ask ourselves from time to time, why bother? It's important to ask this question because it shines a light on what we need to let go of in order to embrace our truth, and allows us to reconnect with our real desires without feeling selfish. She writes, “Here’s the amazing quality of why bother that’s essential to recognize - you need both sides of the question. Your reconnection to desire and what brings you alive can’t come without the angsty blankness you feel now, just as there’s no wet without dry, no light without dark, no love without loss.”
She maps out a six-stage approach to asking yourself both sides of the question, why bother, so you can discover what you might want to let go of in order to find what’s next for you. The six stages are: 1) Leave behind, 2) Ease in, 3) Settle, 4) Desire, 5) Become by doing, and 6) Be seen. I will let you read this amazing book for yourself to find out what each stage entails, but stage 6 was really the one that resonated for me. Being seen is what makes the rest of the work become real and tangible. Throughout this book, Louden demonstrates her authentic vulnerability allowing us to really see and connect with her. Her ability to be so disarming while at the same time asking these hard questions and getting her reader to really examine their lives is what makes this book so incredible.
We all deserve to feel connected to our desires and feel deep satisfaction with our lives. As Louden so beautifully explains, “Why bother is intimately connected to how you appreciate and value yourself and to the belief that your voice and desires matter, which allows you to connect and serve in renewed ways, if you desire.”
And on that note, I will leave you to your reading! I hope you enjoy both of these books during a time when we all need some support in moving through burnout and apathy. Please let these books be a reminder that you can always want more for yourself, and it isn’t selfish to prioritize your needs and go after what you really desire.