2 GOOD BOOKS: APRIL EDITION
It's springtime, and along with the new blossoms we are also feeling some regrowth after a long hard year. We are not yet out of the woods, but I see it, the slow micro-movements that will eventually lead to healing.
This month is Stress Awareness Month, and in honor of new growth I wanted to focus on starting at the root of where all well-being begins - within you. But to really uncover the source of your well-being, we must first look at what gets in the way - loneliness. Loneliness leads to feelings of shame, which leads to further isolation and if left unattended can create chronic stress and depression.
Living through a global pandemic has caused all of us to feel lonely at some level, and honestly acknowledging the inherent loneliness that is within you as well as within everyone else you meet is the first step in feeling a little bit less lonely. I have included two powerful books this month about loneliness and what heals it.
Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World by Vivek Murthy
Before Vivek Murthy began his tenure as our 19th Surgeon General of the United States he wanted to hear directly from American citizens what health challenges they were facing. He toured across the nation beginning conversations with people from all walks of life with the simple question: How can we help? One recurring topic he received surprised him. “It wasn’t a frontline complaint. It wasn’t even identified directly as a health ailment. Loneliness ran like a dark thread through many of the more obvious issues that people brought to my attention, like addiction, violence, anxiety, and depression.” From these conversations he realized two things, that loneliness was a real public health issue, and that the greatest antidote is human connection.
In this book, Murthy explains what loneliness is, how it evolved, and how to navigate creating connection in our lives to sustain us through hard times. So many parts of his book struck me as truths that many people never acknowledge or address, but are very real and cause so many systemic issues in our personal and public lives.
One of the parts that really resonated with me was how research had found three separate dimensions of loneliness, and that the lack of social connection in even one of them can make you feel lonely. The three dimensions are:
Intimate loneliness - “the longing for a close confidante or intimate partner - someone with whom you share a deep mutual bond of affection and trust.”
Relational loneliness - “the yearning for quality friendships and social companionship and support.”
Collective loneliness - “the hunger for a network or community of people who share your sense of purpose and interests.”
Loneliness has nothing to do with whether you are actually alone or not, it is defined by your unique internal comfort level and is the subjective feeling of lacking genuine relationships that offer closeness, affection and trust. The paradox is that you must learn to become comfortable with solitude and meeting your inner thoughts, emotions and demons before you can become more connected with yourself and with others.
Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brene Brown
Acclaimed author and researcher, Brene Brown takes a deep dive into the question of what true belonging really is. Her findings echo the paradox that Murthy’s book explains, and in this book she offers us a map of how we can all find true belonging.
As someone who felt she never truly belonged anywhere and who struggled with addiction in her early adulthood, Brown knew the pain of loneliness all too well. Her 2010 book, The Gifts of Imperfection, defined belonging as:
Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.
But her previous definition wasn’t complete, and in this book she goes on to add that belonging is not something that is achieved with others, “it’s something we carry in our heart.” From countless hours of research and interviews, she developed a tool set with the acronym BRAVING to use as a guide while learning how to trust others and ourselves. And her updated definition of true belonging emerged:
True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.
Having the courage to stand alone in the wilderness of your authentic, messy self is not for the faint of heart. It takes practice and requires support. Therein lies the paradox - the more you practice standing in your authentic self, especially when that self is not widely approved of, the more you learn to trust yourself and the more others are allowed to see you and learn to trust and connect with you in the ways that make you less lonely. But first you have to be willing to stand alone.
My final thoughts for these two wonderful books are: try to resist the urge to isolate further when you feel lonely; find ways to connect to yourself (journal, cry, meditate, exercise) and let the emotion move through you rather than stay stuck, and widen your perspective by remembering that everyone is a little bit lonely at any given moment meaning you are completely normal and should never feel ashamed.