MIND THE MESSY MIDDLE
We all want happiness, joy and success in our lives. We hear stories about people who have wildly successful careers, or who are in wonderful relationships, or who just bought the home of their dreams, and we long to feel that same deep fulfillment. Whatever it is that you’ve got your sights set on, whatever you covet, desire or yearn for, I’m sure your social media feed is probably flooded with daily reminders of how you want your life to feel and look.
And please, don’t get me wrong, I am totally on board with you having everything your heart truly desires! What I do want to talk about, though, is how rarely we hear about the setbacks, rejections, heartbreaks and losses that were likely endured before something finally clicked and things started to fall into place.
This phase can feel difficult, dark, and even scary, and this is why I refer to it as the Messy Middle. It may lack the luster and sparkle of the end result you’ve decided will give you deep happiness, but it is equally important to accept its necessity and inevitability in life. After all, life is a long series of transitions, so whenever something significant comes to an end in your life, and you don’t quite know where you’re going next or how you’ll get there, the best thing you can do is to make peace with living through the Messy Middle.
Personally, I love coaching people who are going through these phases, because there is so much growth that happens. But growth requires leaving your comfort zone. The challenging part about these transitions is that there is never any guarantee that you will land where you were aiming, and you have to come face-to-face with the uncontrollable nature of life. What’s even harder is that your scared ego must endure this uncertainty without any external validation for your efforts, which in turn can create a negative emotional feedback loop.
Let’s take something like a career change for example. Leaving your job and embarking upon a whole new career is a leap of faith, and an act of courage. On one level, you are de-identifying with your previous work role that made you miserable, but still provided you with a sense of security. This loss of security and identity is very threatening to your ego, and can stir up a lot of fear and grief. In an attempt to assuage your fear, you begin researching, networking, and applying for a new role that you hope will be more fulfilling. When your applications and interviews, which require a ton of effort and energy, don’t result in a great job offer, you begin to doubt yourself. You let the stigma attached to not yet having secured a new position demotivate you. You begin to feel ashamed and alone, because you don’t feel you have any “news” to report to friends and family who continually check in to see if there’s any progress.
Yeah. I get it. I’ve been there! The Messy Middle may be a huge growth opportunity, but no one ever said it was easy or painless.
By the way - if you are going through one of these phases right now, I applaud you. I also want to tell you that you are making progress, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Seriously. It takes a strong person to wade through those waters, and just in case you need to hear it, I want you to know I SEE you, and that your efforts right now DO matter.
So how can you make peace with these dark, difficult, scary times in your life???
Create rituals. Rituals create a meaningful structure for staying grounded and mindful. They can be anything you wish, but may be as simple as taking time each morning to slowly make your cup of coffee and drink it while writing in your journal, or preparing a bath with epsom salts and soothing music.
Connect with your body. The stress and worry that is inevitably being carried with you needs a way to discharge. Physical movement of any kind can help you release pent up emotion. If you don’t like exercising, try shaking out your limbs, dancing to your favorite song, or even tensing and releasing each body part at a time, moving from your feet up to your head.
Catharsis. Let yourself cry. Crying is a natural remedy to cleansing your body of built-up toxins and hormones that lead to higher stress levels. If crying doesn’t come easily, try watching a film, listening to a song, or reading a book that strikes an emotional cord with you.
Care about someone else. Shifting your focus from time to time towards helping someone else can create a natural boost in oxytocin levels which counteract cortisol (stress hormones).
Cultivate your hobbies and interests. Make time to play. It may be hard to think about putting energy into hobbies or other interests when you are focused on moving towards a goal that has you stuck in the Messy Middle, but I promise you it's worth doing. When you are captivated with other activities you are cultivating your overall sense of well-being
Celebrate small wins. Without external validation, it's important to set achievable goals for yourself while you work through the Messy Middle, and then celebrate your achievements. Acknowledging yourself reinforces your self-trust, and builds up your confidence to keep going.
Coaching. Find a coach to support you while you navigate this transitional phase. You don’t have to do this alone. Having a trusted confidante and cheerleader at your side can make a huge difference in how quickly you are able to move through the Messy Middle.
The Messy Middle isn’t easy to cope with, and if you are there right now, I sincerely hope this can serve as a flashlight as you make your way through. You’ve got this, you’ve done it before, so just remind yourself, it won’t last forever.