S-U-P-P-O-R-T. FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME
Asking for support is so damn hard sometimes.
Does this resonate with you? Have you ever tried to ‘go it alone’ when you felt like you were in the deep-end? Overwhelmed? Stuck? Uncertain?
I know I have. I’ve made the mistake of not reaching out for support when I needed it so many times. It has cost me a lot of time, and a lot of undue anxiety and suffering. And it was always because of my own fears. Fear is always at the heart of choosing to ‘go it alone’ when I’m struggling.
These fear based choices to suffer in silence happen in big and small ways…
...choosing not to share your feelings of uncertainty and vulnerability in front of your employees, because you fear it will erode their trust in your leadership capability.
...not asking your network for help looking for a new job, because you fear it makes you look needy, and you don’t want to inconvenience them.
...deciding that your spouse is too busy to ask to make dinner a few nights a week, so that you can provide yourself with some much-needed self-care.
...avoiding signing up for coaching, because you’re afraid it won’t make a difference, and that your time and money is better served elsewhere.
I remember specific moments when I chose not to ask for help, because I was afraid that I would look like a failure. Black and white thinking had me in its grip, and my perception of myself and of my closest relationships became distorted. This distorted reality made me believe that my accomplishments would only matter if I did it all on my own, otherwise I would lose people’s respect.
Just typing that out makes me feel a mini shame-spiral. Rationally, I don’t subscribe to that way of thinking at all, and I certainly don’t coach people to believe that! And yet, I still find myself irrationally getting hooked by this fear-based way of thinking from time to time.
Why asking for support triggers so much fear.
Whenever there is credit to be had, a financial goal to be met, a respected identity to protect, or pride at stake, our egos need to feel that we earned it all on our own in order for an accomplishment to matter. This is a classic case of the Lone Ranger Syndrome, when we believe we need to do everything ourselves, and that any achievement of ours is diminished if we didn’t do it entirely on our own.
This is fear masquerading as stubborn, independent, face-saving, perseverance. Fear of asking for help and being rejected, fear of getting support and then embarrassing ourselves if we fail at our endeavor, fear of admitting that we cannot do it all, or that we don’t have it all figured out. Somewhere along the line, we internalized the belief that in order for our successes to matter and be respected we had to achieve them perfectly and single-handedly.
But these aren’t HUMAN expectations. They are ego expectations.
Ego expectations happen when saboteurs are in charge. Saboteurs, like the Perfectionist, Over-achiever, and Hardworker, amplify our ego’s belief that in order to feel important and special, we need external validation and approval.
And just in case you’re starting to feel self-judgement creep in, I want you to know that none of this was your fault. You didn’t have a choice. We have all been conditioned by society, our families, and mainstream culture, to take pride in our solo-successes and ability to out-compete everyone else.
The paradox is that in our early adult life we actually NEED a bit of egoic, saboteur energy to push us out into the world so that we can explore various roles in society, and build up our confidence. This teaches us we can rely on ourselves to survive in the world, and we build practical skill sets to help us navigate. Meanwhile, our ego learns to thrive on identifying with our ability to succeed on our own.
In essence we have to first BUILD UP our ego, so that later in life we will possess enough self-confidence to honestly examine what our ego has created, disassemble it, and then rebuild it in alignment with who we truly are.
So how do we get there?
Compassion is essential. Trust is key.
The antidote to fear is compassion. Underneath every fearful thought is a desire for connection and understanding. When we allow fear to prevent us from reaching out for support we are actively doing two very damaging things:
1) We are telling ourselves that we don’t deserve support.
2) We are missing an opportunity to show the people we care about that we trust them.
The first step is to notice when you resist asking for help. Your self-awareness is a crucial piece in developing self-compassion. When you notice yourself resisting, ask yourself, what part of your identity are you trying to protect? And when you find yourself slipping into a fear-based mindset, try not to judge yourself for it. Remember, this was conditioned within you, and with some time and practice you can reprogram your beliefs. Practicing bringing a non-judgmental awareness builds your self-compassion.
Next step is to reframe your relationship with vulnerability. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but rather a strength, an act of courage and a core ingredient of building trust. One quick way to shift your perspective is to reflect on a time when someone close to you asked for your support. Did you think less of them? Or were you actually honored that they trusted you to enlist your help? I am betting that you felt the latter! Reminding yourself of how you would respond to someone you care about asking for support is a great way to disrupt saboteur voices, and reframe asking for support as an act of trust-building.
Finally, focus on the bigger picture. Humans are built for connection and community, and the truth is that the level of help and support you can provide to others is directly proportional to the care you provide to yourself. If you are burning the candle at both ends, and trying to do it all on your own, you won’t have enough to give to those you care about when they need it. Ask yourself, how would receiving help or support allow more ease in your life? What would you be able to accomplish if you didn’t have to do it all on your own?
Asking for support is a wise person’s strategy. Wisdom requires life experience. It speaks volumes about your self-confidence to openly admit that you do not have it all figured out, and that you are struggling. But in the end, accepting your human vulnerability is exactly the thing that gets you where you most want to go.